Ready to be shocked? I’ve been motorcycle shopping. I know, you’re thinking, “Haven’t you been working on your bike for, like, months now?” Well, yeah, I have. I’m looking for something different. An adventure bike. With Harley-Davidson’s recent announcement of their first-ever adventure bike, plus my recent off-road adventures in the Jeep, it’s got me thinking again about how awesome it would be to have an adventure bike. This is a bike that’s street-legal, but is just at home on the trails. I suspect the Harley is gonna be hella overpriced, and besides, it’s not out for another year or two. BMW makes some great adventure bikes, but I’m not sure I want to spend 10 grand or more on something I’m going to take into the woods and bounce off of trees and sh*t. (UPDATE: I did.)
Then there’s the Royal Enfield Himalayan (above). This is an odd little Indian bike (like, the country, India), but it’s inexpensive (about 5 large), and surprisingly, my local speed shop carries them. It’s a little bigger than 400cc (my Phantom is 750cc), so that’s enough power for what I want to do, and that is poke around in the woods. So, used BMW or similar enduro, or a Royal En. Not sure. But I’m watching the CL; you never know what might show up.
Maybe I should just get a Grom. No, if you ever see me on a Grom, you have my permission to kick me squarely in my cash and prizes, even if I am pulling dank wheelies. Tiny, stupid looking little bikes. And 125cc? That’s just sad. I expect to see lots of them on the Dragon – I think there’s a rental place there or something. I’ll show ’em what 750cc and straight drag pipes can do.
Now, in the aforementioned poking of Craig and his List, I’ve seen some things. Not just there, but in all the reading and research I’ve been doing turning my bike from a normie to a rocket. And there are things I just don’t get. Look at that picture above. That’s the same model as my bike. Now, bikes are made to be customized, I get that. What I don’t get are those ridiculous handlebars. They’re called “ape hangers“, and they are about the dopiest thing I’ve seen. Motorcycles are inherently dangerous in the first place, and the fine folks at Harley-Davidson, Honda, Suzuki, Yamaha, et. al. had their most skilled engineers design handlebars that were comfortable and (relatively) safe. Then some squids come along and put the most unsafe, uncomfortable handlebars they can find on the bike. I don’t get it. Get off my lawn.
Then there’s highway pegs and/or forward controls. These are footpegs that are far forward of the “normal” footpegs, with the intent being that when on the highway and shifting and braking are less frequent, you can stretch out. Jesus Christ, look at that video. Ape hangers? Check. Forward controls? Check. A face-bandana as if he’s about to stick up an old-timey train carrying the silver mine payroll? Check. Does that look even remotely comfortable? It’s like the Marquis de Sade designed a motorbike. On top of it being stupid uncomfortable, you’re also going to throw off the center of mass of the bike, and have a much longer reaction time to potholes, road gators (that’s what we cool people call truck tires that have come apart and are laying in the road – and they are death to a motorcyclist) and other obstacles. But hey, at least you look (allegedly) cool, right? Screw those engineers that designed your bike for the optimum riding position. And get off my lawn.
Lastly, in the video and the photo up top, what else do you see? May not be as obvious to a non-rider, but it’s clear to me. The saddle. Both of those bikes have what’s called a “solo saddle”, for obvious reasons. Hey, the whole reason you learn to ride a motorbike in the first place is to meet girls (well, unless you ride a Grom). Seriously, don’t give me that, “Oh, it’s all about the freedom” or any of that bullshit. It’s girls. You know it, I know it. They know it. You’re just embarrassing yourself if you claim anything else. So, what’s the point of meeting them if you can’t take them for a spin? Seriously, that I don’t get. In the photo immediately above – that’s my bike – you can see that not only do I have a passenger seat, I replaced mine with that crazy-ass-expensive one that’s dramatically more comfortable than the stock seat, and even added a backrest for comfort and safety. It’s like the Dooney & Bourke of motorbike saddles. So, line forms to the left, ladies – just stay off my lawn.
And in something unrelated to anything – but cool, nonetheless – A Flock of Seagulls just reunited and re-recorded their 1982 hit Space Age Love Song; one of my favorite tunes from the New Wave. It’s awesome – a full orchestra makes almost everything better. I want this played at my wedding. Or funeral. Something.